Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
