I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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