Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
