omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
