i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
