you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
