my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
