I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
