i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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