the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
