I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
