The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
