areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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