Fine. I'll sleep in my office
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
