I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
