I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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