I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
