I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Dignity is for republicans.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
