The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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