Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
