You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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