checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
