I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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