i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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