your parents love me but you hate me
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
