You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
