she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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