so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
