then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
