I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
50% drunk capacity currently
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
