I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
