I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
