Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
