at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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