If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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