he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
