shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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