my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I am spending my child support on dildos
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
