So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
