well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
