yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
