my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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