I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
