I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
