when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
