I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
