I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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