I have demons in me.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
