you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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