no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
