Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
