In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
