I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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